![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mic_hell's journalLog in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more
| You are viewing mic_hell's journal Log in Create a LiveJournal Account Learn more | Explore LJ: Life Entertainment Music Culture News & Politics Technology |
 | |||||
|
Finally, a moment semi alone. I’ve been craving solitude. Rarely is there any time for reflection….lol….who am I kiddin, I’ll be lucky if I get a chance to pee anymore! At what point in this life will I get to pause and take in the reality of my surroundings? Lately I have let the course of time carry me through. My choices have been blurred by the over-stimulation that seems to be a constant from morning to night. And although I am continuously busy and hurried in all directions…..I still feel as if I am doing nothing with my life. Of course it’s not true, and I know I’ve come much farther and accomplished more than the average human. I suppose I just feel as if I need to do something more…..significant. You ever get the feeling you do have a purpose to be here only you’ve blown that purpose all to hell…..that’s how I feel. Now I just move through superfluous motions, riding the perpetual time line, letting gravity pull my enervated body to wherever it so desires. Control, that’s what I believe it is, I’ve lost too much control over my life. And to gain control once more means I need to be a bit more selfish at times. I need to stop worrying about how others will feel, I hate disappointing people………especially myself.
|
|||||
| |||||
|
Another day unsought as I raised myself from deep seductive slumber waaaayyyy too early, solemnly moved through the redundancy of my nine to five, and on to taxi kids to and fro. Why can I not find the enjoyment in life I so desire? Why must I be such a dreamer? Winter is taking its toll on my mind-set, I don’t take well to the cold or the artificial air we’re forced to breathe all day because of it. Sometimes I feel I’m waning into hibernation, most of the time I wish I could do just that. Now there is Christmas shoved in my face as if I’d been begging for it all year. AAHYAWN~ now I’ve made myself sleepy…….off to the den to snuggle with my cubs!!
|
|||||
| |||||
|
I need to end this self-destructive pattern. I keep telling myself to give the meds a chance to work……I fear I have formed a habit I can’t break. I feel so ridiculous and ashamed of myself, but I don’t stop. I certainly know better……I know the harm in it, the saddest part of all this…….I have no intentions of quitting, rather, I should say, knowing myself….I don’t believe I can stop. Surely this lack of control will lead to my demise, and honestly….that doesn’t bother me. Disturbing? Well when you’re looking into the hour glass I’m sure it is. Oh and what fun my new shrink will have this week when I tell her this, if I tell her that is. Oh how psychiatry loves its medications! That’s the first thing any professional in that field wants to do for you…..load you up so you won’t know your f-ed in the head! I’ll give her a chance though…..I need to…..my kids need me to. Anymore it’s getting harder and harder to convince myself they are enough to keep me going. Bad mommy.
|
|||||
| |
|
Is it possible to live your life on two opposite realms? This week has been just that for me. I’ve had a lot of bad news thrown at me, first I found out that my ex is going to try and take full custody of my kids which considering he has the upper hand right now will more than likely go his way. Then I went to the doctor and found out that I have endometriosis, just after that I found that a dear friend I had for years has turned their back on me completely. And just yesterday my grandfather passed. So there’s the sob storey, not trying to make anyone one feel sorry for me…..its life can’t change the cycle sometimes, however, I have come to the conclusion that things happen for a very specific reason if it weren’t for all the dejection, there would be no elation. I’m starting to think I just might make it through this life one way or the other, I know now I am strong, but only as long as I have friends to keep me that way. I feel very fortunate to know who I know, and just so you know, those who care enough to lend an ear or special word………because I know you…….I can keep holdin on. |
|
| |
|
All the feelings I hold Are condemning me to speak Let the truth be known I can’t honor your deceit Disgrace is all that I can see Blame me for your tears Take these thoughts away from me All built up for years
Chorus It’s all unspoken Locked inside my head It’s all forsaken The way I feel for you
A chance to speak my mind I still won’t let you hear In my heart you will not find Anything left of you to fear It’s all fucking out of place You’ll never know my thoughts Dishonesty upon you face Love you I just cannot
Chorus |
|
| |
|
RIP Current mood: indescribable In memory of John Charles Roan My grandfather passed away today
A song for you shall ever play in my heart |
|
| |
|
To those who read my thoughts on this page……thank you. So now I will considerately extend to you a warning. What I am about to write is disturbing, but I need to extract these feelings somehow. To those whom I am closest to, well, basically this is something I need to work out on my own, please do not be worried or upset with me. And I know that if I really wanted to talk this out that you would be there for me. This is merely a confession not a plea for help, well I shouldn’t say that maybe I do need help, but not in an extreme sense. Ok, deep fuckin breathe…………….not very many people know that I suffer from extreme anxiety and severe manic depression caused by what doctors like to describe as a chemical imbalance. They say that the only way to control this is with drugs. They don’t tell you that most of these drugs are more harmful than good. I know, I’ve tried many of them myself. On these drugs I was a completely different person….kind of non-existent, they made me not care about anything in my life. The scariest thing about them was I forgot about the real me. Of course I wasn’t as depressed, they made me forget that. So I stopped taking them. And everything was really good. I could be myself and enjoy life with my kids. And then my marriage began to fall apart. For the third time in it’s short duration of five years. Everything is to shit right now. I won’t go into detail here but I will say that I have a terrible habit of suppressing my anger and sadness. I hold it all in, in fact right now it feels like I have a huge lump starting in my stomach and going all the way into my throat. I want to let it out but my body won’t let me. It’s like I’ve just lost all ability to cry. Ha! This blog makes me sound so fucked, at least I know I’m not alone I mean there are other people out there like this right? Hold on before you answer that I haven’t gotten to the good shit yet. Ok so on top of all this I have eating disorders. Yes that’s plural. And since this is my fucking blog I will be as blunt as I want to be, speaking of blunts I could go for a Garcia Vega Cigarillo right about now if anyone is taking orders. That’s the green leaf ones not the shitty brown. So I’ve been doin alright up until about three weeks ago. I started feeling anxious, started the not eating thing, and it has nothing to do with feeling fat so please don’t think the cliché thing ok? Alright so now at my highest points of anxiety I vomit. I know it’s the sickest fucking thing in the world but for some reason after I do it I feel euphoric. I forget all the things that are troubling me and for awhile I feel so much better. I think that the emotional emptiness I feel reflects my body or vice versa. I dunno I’m not a fuckin psychiatrist. I keep trying to remember all the counseling sessions I’ve been through, yeah what those people had to say was helpful, but unless you’re willing to listen it doesn’t do much good. I try to keep too busy thinkin maybe that’ll keep me from doing this shit to myself. I look at my babies and hurt horribly for them, all that I’ve put them through. All I want is to make myself a better human. Someone they can count on…………….it won’t do much good if I’m not around to do that. You see? I know what I’m doing to myself and how harmful it is, yet I can’t stop. It is so very unintentional. And I’m very embarrassed by it. But that doesn’t even stop me. The last time I was this sick I entered the hospital at ninety six pounds. I don’t remember what happened. How I let if go that far. All I know is I didn’t feel half as awful back then as I do now. Needless to say…………I’m scared. So now you, my preferred customer know way too much info, I didn’t sugar coat anything or only tell what I wanted people to know. I don’t care if you lost interest a billion words ago. I do appreciate that you have read this far and hope that you will not try to think of me any differently, because let’s face it, everyone has a story, everyone has a dirty lil secret, but not everyone has the guts to pout it out. To be perfectly honest I don’t even care if this goes completely ignored. This was simply for my benefit I figure if I write it out and read it over and over maybe I can help myself. I dunno………..you got that shit rolled for me yet? |
|
| |
|
My whisper blows softly in his ear Our hands roam each others form Letting go of all my fear Even though my soul is torn Light feathery kisses on his neck I want to feel his essence in me Around his body my lips will peck He’s everything I want him to be Our mouths meet, our breathe grows heavy My stomach churns with sensual delight My mind tells me I’m not ready My heart says this must be right I wonder if there’s something there Something more than I can bear |
|
| |
 "Awake, yet never truly alive, I seek valuation beyond reality" Life is unfullfilling for you, and you aren't very fond of it. What you like is your own imaginative world, which can be your daydreams, stories you write or anything similar. You always prefer that before the actual life. To people you come off as quite lonesome, and you may wish you had more friends, but you are more of a hoper than someone who takes action. That is how you remain lonely. Or maybe you just don't find anyone who you can relate to. Inside you feel empty, like you are missing something important that you can't quite put a finger on what it is. Somehow you wish to be swept away from the normality and led into something extraordinary. This has yet to happen, and you keep on feeling dissapointed with the little that life has to offer. At least you continue to express yourself through art/writing/poems/daydreaming. What is Your Phrase? [for darker people] brought to you by Quizilla |
|
| |||||||
|
|||||||
| |
|
MICHELL, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace People who have unconscious minds driven by peace tend to be independent thinkers who often prefer to live by their own high personal standards and moral code. I took this Tickle inkblot test and was surprised at how accurate it is. You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world. You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment. Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core. Hmmmm. Interesting. |
|
| |||
|
Disquieting thoughts divert my attentions I hold on to veracity Antagonistic revelations seek to kill me I let my skin peel Our souls bleed into damnation Following the road your fathers paved Sell me your fears so I may subsist I’ll capture them into my essence Demons shake me from my slumber
|
|||
| |
|
My dreams start as soon as I hit the pillow or couch or where ever I end up for the night, rarely a night goes by that I don’t wake up shaken or irritated. There is one dream or nightmare really that seems to be habitual. I thought I’d write it down and try to make some sense of it. I’m driving an old beaten impala, rusty gray with black door panels. I’m in CB. But it looks completely different. I drive through the south end of town; it’s utterly abandoned. There is a reddish dust surrounding the city and an ungodly smell keeps gagging me. I think I’m wearing a long black skirt that goes down to my ankles with a torn baggy shirt with princess sleeves, I use them to cover my face from the smell and blowing dust. I stop the car underneath the south expressway and get out. All the buildings are white and caked with the rusty dust. The windows are dilapidated and shattered here and there and most of the doors are boarded shut. The sky is full of dark purplish red and black clouds; it’s daylight out. I walk up to a thin-tall building with no windows and put my ear against the door. I hear nothing at first so I open the door; this is where I have a hard time remembering the dream. All I recall is walking up a narrow staircase, maybe eight or nine steps they curve around a sharp corner. Sometimes I think I hear a baby crying or a sick animal, not always. After I turn the corner I come directly to a small bathroom. The only thing I see in this room is a mirror. The walls are caked with dried blood and when I look in the mirror I don’t see my reflection at all. It differs every time, last night I made it a point to remember what I saw. The only way I can describe this image is to compare it to something familiar. I remember a movie, Event Horizon, that I have not seen in years, in this movie there is a woman with red hair, very pail, and her eyes are gouged from the sockets. This face is similar to the one I see. I can’t stop staring in the mirror even though I want to run away, after an eternity of standing in front of the image, it grabs me by the hair and pulls my head into the mirror. This is where I usually wake up. Anyway that’s the nightmare that has been torturing me for about three months now. It varies night to night but all the same elements are there. Last night was the first time I actually remembered some details; I woke up from the dream and immediately wrote down what happened. I’m going to do the same thing tonight and see where it goes; maybe I’ll try to stay asleep longer through the dream. If anyone knows anything about dreams or can give me some insight I’d really appreciate it! |
|
| |
|
We sat in the valley. Rain fell in my eyes and trickled down the nape of my neck. All I could see was the blur of clouds above me. My shirt was conveniently unbuttoned, slightly exposing my right breast. All day he hadn’t made the slightest move toward me. It was refreshing at first, but now all I could think of was closing my mouth on his. Our laughing fell quiet and I looked at him with my most alluring gaze. It must have worked, he cupped his strong hands around my face and kissed me with intensity I could hardly endure. One touch of his lips to mine and an erotic current was sent from my mouth all the way to my clit. I trembled against him while he shoved his masculine body against me. This was more than I ever anticipated would happen! I seized the moment, if there’s a heaven, then this is it, a first kiss with someone you’ve longed for. Finally the rain lifted and let the sun shine down in spurts behind the dark clouds. A ray of sunshine fell upon us as we looked at one another. That’s when I knew. I wanted this man more than any other, and was willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. This man, who could fill my heart with unspeakable passion, who would understand me and except me for the woman I am, this man who could think on my level without chauvinist and contempt. I wanted to tell him right there, but my composure held me back. So instead I thought the words to myself I Love You Morning light, I winced against it. I sat up and shook the sleep out of my head. I paused as soon as I gathered myself and realized I was once again only dreaming. I flopped back against my pillow while closing my eyes to try and picture him, by now though I had lost the detail of my erotic escape. I pulled myself out of bed and stepped out on to the terrace adjoining my bedroom. There were few clouds out today, the sun was already high for eight in the morning and a faint breeze brushed a couple hairs in my face. I placed my hands on the balcony and looked down at the busy street below. Omaha, the downtown district was already filling itself with the jumble of people headed for work, school, or who knows what for the day. |
|
| |||||
|
My spirit has been so shaken by recent events I find it nearly impossible to type. Although I have an abundance of thought to release, my heart just hasn’t been in it. My mind has been swept over by a sickness no doctor can mend. Sleepless nights ensure indolent days. My body struggles to endure the distress this circumstance instigates. I’m ready to give up, so not like myself. Manic-depressive doesn’t even begin to describe my state. I know I’m in a predicament I can’t escape alone. Everyone helps, but no one can. I’m losing sight of my sensible side. I’m petrified.
|
|||||
| |||
|
This was it, tonight I learned all his lies first hand. I had a very long conversation with his girlfriend. Who I should say, for a stripper, is quite affable. They have been seeing each other for about four months. In fact the last time they were together was only a couple of hours ago. He has been lying to her as well. According to her, per Jason, I am a cracked-out, hopeless bitch with a boyfriend! Imagine me, cheating on him! I find that rather comical. Well I just need to say how I wish I had the audacity to slit his throat, rip out his tongue and shove it in his ass! Maybe sometime in the future I will forgive this petty excuse for a father/husband, but for now, I will find vengeance.
|
|||
| |||||
|
Lately I’ve been challenging the meaning of life and pondering all the great questions that arise when philosophizing about it. The more I contemplate, the more I confuse myself. Wasn’t it Epictetus who said something like all we can do is to experience what goes on, without supposing ourselves capable of changing it? And that this sort of life may be good as long as the experiences are pleasant ones? I believe he also said that we should except whatever life brings us without complaint or feeling. We shouldn’t become too attached to something perishable, like material objects and even friends and family. So long as we treat everything and everyone in our lives as a temporary blessing or (curse in my case) and keep in mind that they will all pass away from us naturally. This way we will never be subjected to disturbing the peace and tranquillity of our lives. Oh this philosophy sounds so easy in retrospect, but we live in an emotionally attached world! Even as I try to focus on only the good in my life and drown out the cares and worries, I can’t help but feel the sorrow I thrust into the deepest pit of my soul. Maybe that’s why I’m letting this emotional detachment from Jason grow by the hour. I already know I’m going to lose him sooner or later, or rather he is going to lose me, so when this does happen I will experience no pain, right? I wish I could believe that. I also wish I could stop hoping for unrealistic happiness. Of course there are my children and the unconditional happiness they bring me, and I know this may be egocentric of me, but I can’t help…. No… I can’t stop myself from wanting that, man how do I say this without coming off maudlin or over-romantic, I want that undying love with someone. I want our souls to clasp each other. I want passionate embraces and soft butterfly kisses in the dark and long, intimate discussions bound with intelligence. I want him to understand me and desire what I have to offer, I want someone I can learn from and experience new things with, one who respects me. I dream of him caressing me, his breath on the back of my neck sending rippling chills down my shoulders and breasts. All right, I’ve done it, I’ve let my thoughts wonder away from the subject, ooh it was just getting good too. Oh well maybe for another night hmm? Anyway, I suppose what I’m getting at, if life is about happiness, then why is it so hard to find? I think I’ll end this entry with a quote from Addison "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for." I don’t know if this really goes along with what I’m trying to say here, but I’ve always liked this quote.
|
|||||
sleepy
damaging
bored